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Toujours la change
Aug. 30th, 2005 06:05 amAhh, well, it's back to work, very depressed. Not much change in life. Some days the only thing that matters is that you don't have a drink, and yesterday was definitely one of those dark dark days when absoutely nothing wanted to go right. In the words of that great philosopher B Springsteen "one day we will look back on this and it will all seem funny", although sometimes I doubt the sagacity of these words.
As with last month, I spent many days getting back to a position where it actually looked as if I would be in profit, only for a day near the end of the month to kick me in the teeth (last month the 30th and 31st, this month the 29th). You sometimes wich that all months were February.
I know that it's all "one long game", but what the Sklansky/Caro geeks miss is a fundamental facet of human nature. It needs structure. I know that you can't try to win every hand, because the way to profit is to play correctly, which sometimes entails folding. I know that there is volatility in Hold'em, so there will be losing sessions. But the human brain has to impose artificial structure somewhere, else he goes insane. For me, it tends to be months.
The other reason for the depression is, of course, that the loss of yesterday severely damages the overall profit per 100 bets, leading me once again to worry that I might not be god enough. In a sense, this is the worse feeling. While I'm happy continuing at 1BB per 100 bets (when two-tabling), I'm not too happy doing so at 0.5 of a BB. One minute the stats are telling me that the former is the most likely state of affairs, and a few hours later the stats are telling me the latter. That kind of thing can get you down.
And, on top of that, I don't think that I played well. Which is the worst of all. I need a break, but I have nothing to have a break to. This is clear clinical depression (or the onset thereof), and the though of that, er, depresses me, if you know what I mean.
Still, struggle on through this blackness we must. I sometimes really wish that the cheerful in life knew what this was like. Not so that they would be miserable, but so that there could be some flash of genuine empathy, rather than puzzled sympathy and, in the main, utter bemusement.
As with last month, I spent many days getting back to a position where it actually looked as if I would be in profit, only for a day near the end of the month to kick me in the teeth (last month the 30th and 31st, this month the 29th). You sometimes wich that all months were February.
I know that it's all "one long game", but what the Sklansky/Caro geeks miss is a fundamental facet of human nature. It needs structure. I know that you can't try to win every hand, because the way to profit is to play correctly, which sometimes entails folding. I know that there is volatility in Hold'em, so there will be losing sessions. But the human brain has to impose artificial structure somewhere, else he goes insane. For me, it tends to be months.
The other reason for the depression is, of course, that the loss of yesterday severely damages the overall profit per 100 bets, leading me once again to worry that I might not be god enough. In a sense, this is the worse feeling. While I'm happy continuing at 1BB per 100 bets (when two-tabling), I'm not too happy doing so at 0.5 of a BB. One minute the stats are telling me that the former is the most likely state of affairs, and a few hours later the stats are telling me the latter. That kind of thing can get you down.
And, on top of that, I don't think that I played well. Which is the worst of all. I need a break, but I have nothing to have a break to. This is clear clinical depression (or the onset thereof), and the though of that, er, depresses me, if you know what I mean.
Still, struggle on through this blackness we must. I sometimes really wish that the cheerful in life knew what this was like. Not so that they would be miserable, but so that there could be some flash of genuine empathy, rather than puzzled sympathy and, in the main, utter bemusement.
