(no subject)
Mar. 29th, 2007 12:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peterbirksWoke up this morning feeling depressed.
This was a bad sign. I won yesterday, but I had a bad dream in the last hours of sleep this morning. My bad dreams often involve me being late for something, which shows how deeply ingrained in my subconscious is the fear of being late and my lack of understanding about people whom it does not seem to bother. Rationality has no place when your nightmares consist of desperately trying to get somewhere on time (although often you aren't quite sure what it is that you have to be on time for. Sometimes I think it's school-related (exams?) and sometimes it's betting-shop related ('must get back in time for first race'. Sometimes it's an indefinable urgency.).
By the way, I have no interest in your dreams. Ya wanna recount your own dreams; start your own blog.
Fired up the laptop. Read Matt's comment on previous post. Thought to myself; "Perhaps he's right. Perhaps I'm a weak-tight passive non-gambler. Perhaps I suck at this game."
This was a bad sign.
Read work e-mails. Received communication indicating that panel I am moderating at conference in Vietnam will require a lot more organizing from me than I had previously been told. Deeply regretted accepting Vietnam gig.
This was a bad sign.
Headed towards Bellagio in all the wrong frame of mind, convinced I was no good.
Ran bad over seven hours, nought for three with KK and nought for three with QQ. Didn't get Aces at all. Had a two-hand tiltisode, but pulled myself together and carried on. Perhaps I'm a crap technical player like Matt and Big Dave said, I said to myself, but at least I'm still here, still solvent, and not burning money in a red mist.
Got to 4pm, my allotted finishing time, and I stopped. Thought to myself; "Hell, if I'm negative EV at poker, why bother playing poker? There are lots more negative EV games in Vegas that require far less concentration."
This was a VERY bad sign.
Started walk back to hotel, composing this entry in my head (indeed, wondering whether to post any kind of entry at all). Felt lump in my throat and tears welling up.
This was a bad sign.
Decided that entry had to be posted. I might have gone through the PIRSAT phase (Perhaps I Really Suck At This) to the DISAT phase (Definitely I Suck At This) into the United Arab Emirates phase (Useless At Everything) but I was damned if I was going to be a coward and hide behind not writing.
I think it's a kind of duty to show the misery that this game can bring at times; a counterbalance to the bollocks I read on all the "professional" sites that hide the fact that more than 95% of players are dreadful and more than 95% of them lose. That the game is not "great fun" at times. Not at all.
I've been through this before and I know what to do. I have hidden strengths and this is one reason why a lot of players far more talented then me are (a) not blogging any more, or, b) busto.
Oh, and I didn't play craps, or blackjack, or roulette. I might be a crap poker player, but I don't try to get it back through gambling.
Perhaps the next session will be better. Perhaps it won't. But when you are in this situation, the last things you can afford to do are either tinker or (even worse) massively re-evaluate.
The clouds gather.
A storm's a-comin'.
Poker-player type no. 17: The well-dressed black guy in the afternoon, drinking.
Another dark side to Vegas, spreading to the Strip.
This was a bad sign. I won yesterday, but I had a bad dream in the last hours of sleep this morning. My bad dreams often involve me being late for something, which shows how deeply ingrained in my subconscious is the fear of being late and my lack of understanding about people whom it does not seem to bother. Rationality has no place when your nightmares consist of desperately trying to get somewhere on time (although often you aren't quite sure what it is that you have to be on time for. Sometimes I think it's school-related (exams?) and sometimes it's betting-shop related ('must get back in time for first race'. Sometimes it's an indefinable urgency.).
By the way, I have no interest in your dreams. Ya wanna recount your own dreams; start your own blog.
Fired up the laptop. Read Matt's comment on previous post. Thought to myself; "Perhaps he's right. Perhaps I'm a weak-tight passive non-gambler. Perhaps I suck at this game."
This was a bad sign.
Read work e-mails. Received communication indicating that panel I am moderating at conference in Vietnam will require a lot more organizing from me than I had previously been told. Deeply regretted accepting Vietnam gig.
This was a bad sign.
Headed towards Bellagio in all the wrong frame of mind, convinced I was no good.
Ran bad over seven hours, nought for three with KK and nought for three with QQ. Didn't get Aces at all. Had a two-hand tiltisode, but pulled myself together and carried on. Perhaps I'm a crap technical player like Matt and Big Dave said, I said to myself, but at least I'm still here, still solvent, and not burning money in a red mist.
Got to 4pm, my allotted finishing time, and I stopped. Thought to myself; "Hell, if I'm negative EV at poker, why bother playing poker? There are lots more negative EV games in Vegas that require far less concentration."
This was a VERY bad sign.
Started walk back to hotel, composing this entry in my head (indeed, wondering whether to post any kind of entry at all). Felt lump in my throat and tears welling up.
This was a bad sign.
Decided that entry had to be posted. I might have gone through the PIRSAT phase (Perhaps I Really Suck At This) to the DISAT phase (Definitely I Suck At This) into the United Arab Emirates phase (Useless At Everything) but I was damned if I was going to be a coward and hide behind not writing.
I think it's a kind of duty to show the misery that this game can bring at times; a counterbalance to the bollocks I read on all the "professional" sites that hide the fact that more than 95% of players are dreadful and more than 95% of them lose. That the game is not "great fun" at times. Not at all.
I've been through this before and I know what to do. I have hidden strengths and this is one reason why a lot of players far more talented then me are (a) not blogging any more, or, b) busto.
Oh, and I didn't play craps, or blackjack, or roulette. I might be a crap poker player, but I don't try to get it back through gambling.
Perhaps the next session will be better. Perhaps it won't. But when you are in this situation, the last things you can afford to do are either tinker or (even worse) massively re-evaluate.
The clouds gather.
A storm's a-comin'.
Poker-player type no. 17: The well-dressed black guy in the afternoon, drinking.
Another dark side to Vegas, spreading to the Strip.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
And how's the weather
Date: 2007-03-29 08:13 am (UTC)Do something different. I know you're in Vegas to play, but it strikes me you'd be better off going to the obscenely appointed gyms that the hotel undoubtedly has. Exercise, endorphins, that sort of thing.
What's the diagnosis of not having any dreams? Or certainly not remembering any - just the tendrils of the emotions you had in the dream?
no subject
Date: 2007-03-29 11:27 am (UTC)I didn't intend my suggestion of a re-raise to send you over the edge into despair. You were at the table after all not me. I do think there is an inhibiting factor about playing live which subtly makes you less likely to raise as you don't want to draw attention to yourself/antagonise other players/cost people another $X when it means more to them than you/look foolish by losing a bigger pot due to your raises. FIGHT THIS TENDENCY. Either drop down where you feel happier raising, or even step up where noone else will care.
matt
no subject
Date: 2007-03-29 03:04 pm (UTC)But seriously, I know what you mean and posting this stuff for others to read can be tough. The game is so hard to determine from where the losses are emanating - bad play or bad luck. And the results are always there no matter from whence they came.
I agree with the above poster - go grab a work out. The mental-cleansing of physical exertion is often times enough to reset the mental anguish and fill its void with renewed enthusiasm.