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Ireland nationalized
Jul. 4th, 2009 08:40 amAlistair Darling stepped in this morning and announced the nationalization of Ireland. The UK's finance minister said that the country had failed to fulfil its 1922 franchise and was walking away from long-agreed obligations.
"Recent defaults in the financial sector and on bonds are in direct contravention agreed in the renewable 1922 franchise. In order to ensure a smooth continued running of Ireland, the UK government has decided to step in".
Sir Bob Geldof has been appointed CEO of New Ireland, with Mr Darling acting as chief financial officer.
Sir Bob said that it would be a challenging new role. "We need the fucking money and we need it now!" he told the Catholic Herald.
Of major concern was that English customers of Ireland who were planning to travel to Dublin on stag and hen weekends should not suffer. Mr Darling said:
"It was vital to take immediate action to avoid chaos at Luton Airport on Friday, where thousands of Ireland customers gather every week. There were strong rumours that, had we not stepped in, the customers would have found Dublin closed or, at best, only offering one pint of Guinness per customer per evening".
Irish prime minister Brian Cowan was taken by surprise by the announcement.
"What the fuck is the idiot talking about?" he asked.
Meanwhile, Sharon Blotto, who is getting married next Saturday at Tilbury Registry Office, told the BBC while she waited for her Ryanair plane at Stansted, said:
"It's terrible. Me and my mates were looking forward to a weekend of getting fucking smashed, and the next thing we know, the woman at the desk was telling us that Ireland was broke and shut and we could go to North Wales instead but it would cost us an extra two 'undred quid and the baggage would have to go to Ireland anyway".
Martin McGuinness, pro tem foreign secretary in New Ireland plc, whic is being redomiciled to the Cayman Islands "because it's nicer there", said that the major task would be to ensure that foreign relations are kept going as smoothly as possible.
"Obviously a united Ireland has always been a dream of mine", he said, and this new situation is, in that sense, very welcome".
Northern Ireland will not be a part of New Ireland plc, but will be a wholly owned subsidiary, registered in Switzerland and with its head office in Douglas, Isle of Man. "We chose the IoM because it's the nearest place not in the EU", said Mr Darling.
Northern Ireland (IoM) will be a special purpose vehicle, with its debt securitized on Douglas (III) notes, paying 6.5% annually in euros, redeemable at any time if you are a Protestant, but maturing only in 2060 if you are a Catholic.
George Osborne said that this was another example of the British taxpayer having to step in to save an operation that was allowed to become "too big to fail".
"Personally, I would have let it go under", he said. "They took it all in the good times -- you can't drive down a dual carriageway in Ireland without seeing a sign saying 'Thank the lord for the EU transport minister'. So they should realize that with privilege comes, er, well, something comes with it. I just had the privilege bit when I was young, you understand. What is it? With privilege comes a nice car? No, that doesn't sound right".
Vince Cable of the Liberal Democrats was away for the weekend at his main or his secondary residence, he can never remember which it is at any particular time.
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"Recent defaults in the financial sector and on bonds are in direct contravention agreed in the renewable 1922 franchise. In order to ensure a smooth continued running of Ireland, the UK government has decided to step in".
Sir Bob Geldof has been appointed CEO of New Ireland, with Mr Darling acting as chief financial officer.
Sir Bob said that it would be a challenging new role. "We need the fucking money and we need it now!" he told the Catholic Herald.
Of major concern was that English customers of Ireland who were planning to travel to Dublin on stag and hen weekends should not suffer. Mr Darling said:
"It was vital to take immediate action to avoid chaos at Luton Airport on Friday, where thousands of Ireland customers gather every week. There were strong rumours that, had we not stepped in, the customers would have found Dublin closed or, at best, only offering one pint of Guinness per customer per evening".
Irish prime minister Brian Cowan was taken by surprise by the announcement.
"What the fuck is the idiot talking about?" he asked.
Meanwhile, Sharon Blotto, who is getting married next Saturday at Tilbury Registry Office, told the BBC while she waited for her Ryanair plane at Stansted, said:
"It's terrible. Me and my mates were looking forward to a weekend of getting fucking smashed, and the next thing we know, the woman at the desk was telling us that Ireland was broke and shut and we could go to North Wales instead but it would cost us an extra two 'undred quid and the baggage would have to go to Ireland anyway".
Martin McGuinness, pro tem foreign secretary in New Ireland plc, whic is being redomiciled to the Cayman Islands "because it's nicer there", said that the major task would be to ensure that foreign relations are kept going as smoothly as possible.
"Obviously a united Ireland has always been a dream of mine", he said, and this new situation is, in that sense, very welcome".
Northern Ireland will not be a part of New Ireland plc, but will be a wholly owned subsidiary, registered in Switzerland and with its head office in Douglas, Isle of Man. "We chose the IoM because it's the nearest place not in the EU", said Mr Darling.
Northern Ireland (IoM) will be a special purpose vehicle, with its debt securitized on Douglas (III) notes, paying 6.5% annually in euros, redeemable at any time if you are a Protestant, but maturing only in 2060 if you are a Catholic.
George Osborne said that this was another example of the British taxpayer having to step in to save an operation that was allowed to become "too big to fail".
"Personally, I would have let it go under", he said. "They took it all in the good times -- you can't drive down a dual carriageway in Ireland without seeing a sign saying 'Thank the lord for the EU transport minister'. So they should realize that with privilege comes, er, well, something comes with it. I just had the privilege bit when I was young, you understand. What is it? With privilege comes a nice car? No, that doesn't sound right".
Vince Cable of the Liberal Democrats was away for the weekend at his main or his secondary residence, he can never remember which it is at any particular time.
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