Introspection
Dec. 18th, 2008 02:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peterbirksAs I get to the end of yet another year when I feel as if I have gone nowhere and that the inexorable sands of time are running out ever-faster, it's hard not to sink into self-pity. I don't do so mainly because it's a trait that I despise in others. I'd rather be hated by other people than pitied by them, so I might as well stick to self-dislike rather than feeling sorry for myself.
I think that I reserve most of my dislike for myself because I know that, at heart, I am a coward. I haven't had the courage to take steps that I should have taken and I have, as a result, drifted through life achieving not very much. No kids, no marriage (failed or otherwise), no "fuck-it-all" grand decisions. I have instead taken either the cowardly option (attempting to drink myself to death because life was far too scary) or the safe, but boring option (following the principle that it's very easy to make lots of money if all that you focus on in life is making lots of money). Balance, as it were, just don't come into it.
I say this because there are many times when I wish that I had made those grand decisions, but more times when I am glad that I didn't. "Just have a cup of hot chocolate and think about it tomorrow". And many's the time that I badly badly wish that I was one of a couple, that I had kids to moan about (or to be proud of), but also many is the time that I know that I am what I am and I am the way I am -- and being one of a couple isn't the way I am. If I were in that situation, I'd probably want to be out of it just as much as, when I'm out of it, I want to be in it ... if you see what I mean.
And anyway, if I'd had a son, it would have been great to christen him "TGI".
For the last three or four years I've had this "sensible long view" that ends when I am 60. It's a relatively grey way to look at life but is, I think, one of the bits of baggage that comes with my sobriety. There are many worse bits of baggage to be burdened with.
And yet, I still have the feeling (and it's one that seems to be growing, albeit with that gradual manner of a slowly dripping tap gradually filling the sink) that I might one day suffer some kind of catastrophe-theory "oh-fuck-it" shift and make a grand gesture. However, the greater probability is that a seismic shift will be forced upon me, and I'll just go along for the quake.
++++++++
Good god, "Dreamer" by Supertramp just came on the radio (Pure Move DAB highly recommended, btw). I ambled through to Classic Gold, mainly because I really was in that kind of mood. I actually enjoyed Tom Petty's "American Girl" -- that was a record that I'm sure was plaeyd a lot when I was at University.
There was once a Doonesbury sequence where Mike Doonesbury "gets on down" to some rock record from the 1970s, only to be told at the end of the track that he's listening to "Middle-Aged Rock Radio, just in case you thought you were still with it". I know the feeling sometimes. But when, as now, they come up with "California Dreamin'", you actually don't really care. It's still the right music for the right mood.
The DIY upstairs has entered a couple of days' hiatus, although I did make it to Wickes to buy some bits and pieces that were required.
I made one serious error with the Lincrusta wallpaper. having run out of the Lincrusta glue, I gambled on standard wallpaper paste mixed very thickly. It hasn't worked properly, and the net result is aesthetically, well, a pile of shit. On the plus side, I'm getting better with the dado rails and, if I can hang the other paper decently, the blemished area won't be too horrific to the casual observer -- especially if I put a headboard in front of it.
Not that I'm going to be getting many people visiting to stay in the spare room anyway. Of the friends of mine that have consented to stay alive, many have just drifted away, for various reasons, most of which are probably my fault. One factor of course is that I am not one of a couple -- and this leads to inevitable drift as your friends gradually get married and produce offspring. Another is that I'm no longer a games fanatic, and, without a games hobby and zines, that link also fades. Although I have two or three "acquaintances" at work with whom I would happily have lunch, none of them could be called social freinds.
A further factor is also that, quite simply, Lewisham is not in south-west, west or north London, which is where most people I would meet socially would be. Mikey, the only guy even vaguely nearby, has no desire to mix, for the aforesaid reason that I am not married and I don't have children of a school age. Neither do I play golf. I've met no-one in the area because, well, I just haven't put myself about in the area. I could have joined bridge clubs, or book clubs, or whatever social thingies there are around. But I haven't. Like I say, no-one to blame bt myself there.
I suppose that the closest I have to people I would describe as "friends" are poker players, but even there there is a dichotomy. Even within the small subset of the poker playing community, I have little in common with the majority. Most are live players, most are losers, and most are gamblers with a "win it, spend it" philosophy. But at least, in most cases, the subset of professional "winners" have at least a vague idea where my head is at, which nearly everyone else I meet in life does not.
I may make some changes in the New Year. Certainly in the online poker world I need to make some kind of shift if I want to keep pace with this year or, with luck, continue with my target of a 20% improvement in performance year on year. Even when I'm not enjoying it; even when it feels a little bit too much like "work", it sometimes feel like one bit of solidity to hang on to.
End a sentence with a preposition? Pah! If it weren't for this sentence, I would end the entire piece with a preposition....
______________
I think that I reserve most of my dislike for myself because I know that, at heart, I am a coward. I haven't had the courage to take steps that I should have taken and I have, as a result, drifted through life achieving not very much. No kids, no marriage (failed or otherwise), no "fuck-it-all" grand decisions. I have instead taken either the cowardly option (attempting to drink myself to death because life was far too scary) or the safe, but boring option (following the principle that it's very easy to make lots of money if all that you focus on in life is making lots of money). Balance, as it were, just don't come into it.
I say this because there are many times when I wish that I had made those grand decisions, but more times when I am glad that I didn't. "Just have a cup of hot chocolate and think about it tomorrow". And many's the time that I badly badly wish that I was one of a couple, that I had kids to moan about (or to be proud of), but also many is the time that I know that I am what I am and I am the way I am -- and being one of a couple isn't the way I am. If I were in that situation, I'd probably want to be out of it just as much as, when I'm out of it, I want to be in it ... if you see what I mean.
And anyway, if I'd had a son, it would have been great to christen him "TGI".
For the last three or four years I've had this "sensible long view" that ends when I am 60. It's a relatively grey way to look at life but is, I think, one of the bits of baggage that comes with my sobriety. There are many worse bits of baggage to be burdened with.
And yet, I still have the feeling (and it's one that seems to be growing, albeit with that gradual manner of a slowly dripping tap gradually filling the sink) that I might one day suffer some kind of catastrophe-theory "oh-fuck-it" shift and make a grand gesture. However, the greater probability is that a seismic shift will be forced upon me, and I'll just go along for the quake.
++++++++
Good god, "Dreamer" by Supertramp just came on the radio (Pure Move DAB highly recommended, btw). I ambled through to Classic Gold, mainly because I really was in that kind of mood. I actually enjoyed Tom Petty's "American Girl" -- that was a record that I'm sure was plaeyd a lot when I was at University.
There was once a Doonesbury sequence where Mike Doonesbury "gets on down" to some rock record from the 1970s, only to be told at the end of the track that he's listening to "Middle-Aged Rock Radio, just in case you thought you were still with it". I know the feeling sometimes. But when, as now, they come up with "California Dreamin'", you actually don't really care. It's still the right music for the right mood.
The DIY upstairs has entered a couple of days' hiatus, although I did make it to Wickes to buy some bits and pieces that were required.
I made one serious error with the Lincrusta wallpaper. having run out of the Lincrusta glue, I gambled on standard wallpaper paste mixed very thickly. It hasn't worked properly, and the net result is aesthetically, well, a pile of shit. On the plus side, I'm getting better with the dado rails and, if I can hang the other paper decently, the blemished area won't be too horrific to the casual observer -- especially if I put a headboard in front of it.
Not that I'm going to be getting many people visiting to stay in the spare room anyway. Of the friends of mine that have consented to stay alive, many have just drifted away, for various reasons, most of which are probably my fault. One factor of course is that I am not one of a couple -- and this leads to inevitable drift as your friends gradually get married and produce offspring. Another is that I'm no longer a games fanatic, and, without a games hobby and zines, that link also fades. Although I have two or three "acquaintances" at work with whom I would happily have lunch, none of them could be called social freinds.
A further factor is also that, quite simply, Lewisham is not in south-west, west or north London, which is where most people I would meet socially would be. Mikey, the only guy even vaguely nearby, has no desire to mix, for the aforesaid reason that I am not married and I don't have children of a school age. Neither do I play golf. I've met no-one in the area because, well, I just haven't put myself about in the area. I could have joined bridge clubs, or book clubs, or whatever social thingies there are around. But I haven't. Like I say, no-one to blame bt myself there.
I suppose that the closest I have to people I would describe as "friends" are poker players, but even there there is a dichotomy. Even within the small subset of the poker playing community, I have little in common with the majority. Most are live players, most are losers, and most are gamblers with a "win it, spend it" philosophy. But at least, in most cases, the subset of professional "winners" have at least a vague idea where my head is at, which nearly everyone else I meet in life does not.
I may make some changes in the New Year. Certainly in the online poker world I need to make some kind of shift if I want to keep pace with this year or, with luck, continue with my target of a 20% improvement in performance year on year. Even when I'm not enjoying it; even when it feels a little bit too much like "work", it sometimes feel like one bit of solidity to hang on to.
End a sentence with a preposition? Pah! If it weren't for this sentence, I would end the entire piece with a preposition....
______________
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 10:11 am (UTC)Quit job, reinvest savings in something other than the nefarious world of stocks and poker and leave for another part of the world.
My depressive cycles centre around having made too big a grand gesture and worrying that I have gone too far and cannot return.
This non child bearing, unmarried, mentalist, wishes Un Prospero Año Nuevo.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 12:00 pm (UTC)And we are still "tied by a thousand silken threads". Leaving for another part of the world just isn't an option at the moment.
PJ
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 12:37 pm (UTC)Childhood - lego
Teenage - wargames & computer games
Early 20s - cycle racing
Early 30s - gambling
Late 30s - overeating
Now - dieting & eco-babble
Thankfully, I can't drink two days in a row so never had that problem.
But, I do have an addictive personality and anything I do is obsessive and to the exclusion of everything else around me.
For myself, I have found an addiction that does me good and no harm to others. Money will be a problem in the future but I take the view that going broke is nature's way of telling me to turn my toes up.
The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 11:19 am (UTC)(For those with financial problems the trough is supposed to be the Monday in January when the post-Christmas credit-card bills arrive to top it all off.)
Actually Pete, one thing I think that you'd benefit from is religion. You seem to be groping for a bigger purpose rather than treating your life as an extended piece of game theory with a search for better EV. If you were to get God (any of them will do, there's a wide selection) you'd find something driving you and re-focusing your thoughts on others. And I say this as a committed atheist - I've just seen the process work for a lot of Christians.
And anyway, in a month's time you'll have had time to get back in the gym, the days will be lengthening and you'll be at the front end of a year whose out-turn you can affect drastically instead of one whose results are almost complete and immutable.
Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 11:54 am (UTC)That doesnn't rule out doing good, although I'm not quite sure what good I could achieve, or where. Perhaps financial adviser to Robert Mugabe would be a start, if he would listen to me.
But going out and "doing good works' just so that you can feel better about yourself is a bit, well, patronizing, isn't it? I guess that if you are the recipient of good works, it doesn't really matter what colour the cat is. Just as if you are a persecuted human being, it doesn't really matter to you if you are part of a persecuted minority or a persecuted majority.
And the other part of the problem is that I fear that next year I will be just the same. I will hold the power in my hand, and, once again, I won't use it. If I could summon up one whit of Butler's courage, I might manage it. Although, as James notes, he can head too far in the other direction.
Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 04:00 pm (UTC)Arguably, but it has better side-effects for the rest of the world than other things you might do so that you can feel better about yourself.
Related question: why are you spending time making more money and what are you going to do with all your money? What is money if it is not fungible for, among other things, the capacity to do good, by the definition of - and for the benefit of the chosen target of - the one spending it? (Answers like "I don't know, but it would be nice to be in a position to do it more effectively when I figure it out" are perfectly valid.)
Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 04:25 pm (UTC)In America, I'm a member of the Unitarian Universalists. For me, it provides a church and a community made up of mostly agnostics and atheists. UUs don't believe in any "one-true-path." Members are free to seek their own meaning as part of a community of people who are also seeking their own path.
In Boston, I was a member of a UU church with Buddhist leanings. There, I joined the Buddhist reading group and the meditation group. That gave me - as an agnostic/atheist - tremendous spiritual support.
What I like about Buddhism is that it is not a theistic or faith-based religion. In fact, I find much more of a philosophy based on thousands of years of observation of the human condition.
It works for me since I need a spiritual aspect in my life. But it's not for everyone.
Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 04:56 pm (UTC)Many's the time you here a justification for religion along the lines of: "well, if you take that attitude, what's the point of getting up in the morning?" or "I believe in a higher power because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate".
The illogicality of this line is not difficult to spot. Just because a truth is extremely discomfiting and a falsehood is extremely reassuring, does not make the falsehood true and the truth false.
One of my "alternatives" would be extreme hedonism. I don't like the idea of it, but it would be a rational path. But that feels wrong too. So, Geoff is right. Clearly I need something else.
PJ
Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 05:23 pm (UTC)I like meeting new people. I also enjoy being part of a larger cause.
Eastern religions tend to be appropriate for people like me who seek a spiritual path without all the God nonsense.
I'm not sure if I could picture you meditating. But perhaps it might be worth a try for you.
Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 04:02 pm (UTC)Re: The Doctor is in
Date: 2008-12-18 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 11:56 am (UTC)PJ
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 04:14 pm (UTC)Fortunately, Ann is an experienced traveler, particularly in Asian and African countries. (She lived in Kenya for several years.)
We just had a very enjoyable trip around Thailand. Ann made the travel arrangements while I rounded up my western, Thai, and Burmese friends to show us around town.
You're right; traveling alone can just compound any feelings of solitude.
Pete, I know how you feel!
Date: 2008-12-18 12:54 pm (UTC)Another year has gone and for the first time ever my health has been an issue. In truth a relatively minor issue – a particularly nasty chest infection - but possibly a sign of things to come.
I too have a chronic lack of friends. I have loads of acquaintances via my many and varied hobbies and still more via my voluntary sector work as Chairman of Governors for the local 11-18 school but friends are very thin on the ground. I am grimly determined that once we have moved to Shropshire I will make more effort to participate in the local social life than I have done in Daventry.
The family is a strong positive factor in my life. In the event of a crisis, particularly a long lasting crisis, the family represents the only group of people I would feel fully confident about asking for help. On the other hand having children is horrendously expensive every year for many years.
In a crisis friends are a bit different from family. My late Mother had lots of “friends” but they were as old as her so not one ever visited her in the old folks home (45 minutes away from them by car) and not one even came to her funeral.
Re: Pete, I know how you feel!
Date: 2008-12-18 03:42 pm (UTC)PJ
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 01:49 pm (UTC)I honestly thought I'd never get married, never have kids and remain living alone. Even after 12 years of marriage, there are still times when I treasure the solitude when I get it. It's a balancing act.
I recently turned 40 and can't help but think I could have done more with myself, and now it's really too late to do anything but continue down the path I've been on. But that path wasn't necessarily of my choosing, it was just the one that offered the least resistance.
With respect to drinking - just always remember this: Without your health, you have nothing. If you stay healthy, the possibility to do just about anything remains, even if it means the status quo.
Regardless, have a great holiday season from one of your invisible internet friends across the pond.
Health
Date: 2008-12-18 03:38 pm (UTC)As you say, health is the most important factor, and my apparent ability to hold onto that, despite several decades of not looking after myself, makes any worries about other things look minor indeed. I should reflect on that matter more often, and thank you for reminding me.
PJ
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 03:54 pm (UTC)(*) Reasons, in my opinion, including but not limited to:
a) your being such an ingrained journalist that (as well as doing it for a living) you would find it very unnatural not to write in some form, whether it be a 'zine, a blog or some other episodic medium to be determined;
b) your evident very considerable talent at the above - maybe not as much as you'd like, but far more than 99¾% of the rest of us chumps.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 04:51 pm (UTC)But the major reason is probably that I write because I write. Much of the time it is my contact with the outside world. Perhaps if I barred myself from writing online, it would force me to get out more :-)
PJ
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 05:25 pm (UTC)I agree. All journals (and 'zines) do, but yours more than most. Keep up the good work, though I know you'd find it hard not to.
Have you ever been to Macau? I know you've been to Las Vegas - and, I think, more than once. Does a trip to Macau to see an alternative take on gambling appeal at all? Admittedly not many casinos offer poker yet and the rake is large, but there may well be some soft games out there...
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 06:08 pm (UTC)But online and live are so different now. I'm full of admiration for players (usually the younger ones, lol) who can shift from one to the other without any trouble.
PJ
no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-19 01:17 am (UTC)PJ
Live Journal
Date: 2008-12-21 10:48 pm (UTC)I check your journal several times a week. Of all the zines I ever received, GH was the second I got started with back in abut '79 - and the second last to end (assuming it has ended?). Always greatly enjoyed your writing, of course, even though I have little interest in poker.
We tried to take the radical step through emigrating to New Zealand - but were back after 2 years (no regrets though, but pretty disruptive to my career).
As for religion, it just recedes further into irrelevance ever since the age of, approx 9, when I decided to emphatically eject God from my life. I have recently decided to put my money where my mouth is and joined the British Humanist Association. All very nice having a father-protector figure who will solve your problems - except I grew up quite a long time ago (see above)!
Before I met my wife (34 yo), when I was in a relationship I tended to yearn for singledom - and vice-versa. Having kids is a life-changing experience and it IS important to question the purpose - if you can put evolutionary psychology to one side - then it is a strange one. 20+ years of expense, worry, decimation of personal time etc. just so you get an occasional visit when you are old?
Anyway, good luck with it all. Just remember that we all have problems but, as you put it, few of us have the emotional openness to share them.
Best, Pete N.
Re: Live Journal
Date: 2008-12-22 09:50 am (UTC)On the kids front, the sad thing is, I feel that I would have made a darned good father. As you say, it's expensive, and eats up a lot of your time; but hell, the good bits are so good that they counterbalance any of the downside -- I'm sure of that.
PJ
Re: Live Journal
Date: 2008-12-22 11:01 pm (UTC)Obviously I would not swap my kids for anything - and there are great moments - but I do sometimes envy friends who have taken a conscious decision not to procreate.
Never too late to have kids! (At least if you are male). I know a couple of guys who didn't get started until their fifties.
Cheers, Pete.