Redemption
Jun. 21st, 2006 05:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peterbirksI started a post a couple of days ago with the line "Everyone is in serach of validation" or some such observation. Well, maybe not everyone is in search of validation, but the "social animal" in humanity does seem to make most people seek out a "tribe" of some sorts. In the old days, there wasn't much choice (a bit like before there was Channel Four) and you sort of had to adapt to the tribes on offer (or leave town). The misfits (like Bob Dylan) chose to leave town, and that was what made Greenwich Village great. These days, with the Interweb thingy, there isn't so much need to leave town; you just meet your tribe electronically.
If it's possible, I have digressed before I have even started.
However, I wouldn't dream of claiming that "everyone is in search of redemption" (which is where I meant to start). That's a more personal thing. Now, seeking redemption is a bit of a toughie when, like me, you are a down-the-line atheist. One of the steps in the 12 steps of recovery from alcoholism is "making amends", but there are echoes of "redemption" in it. However, my own search for redemption is something beyond meeting all the people that I have hurt at some point in my life and apologizing. For a start, I would estimate that a good 50% of them might have deserved a good kicking anyway (not a point that AA seems to address!), but it was only booze that gave me the courage to say so. We spend far too much time going round making other people feel good about themselves, leaving just a few poor souls with the unenviable task of being "bad cop" and saying "well, to be blunt, you weren't unlucky. You are just utter rubbish and you ought to pull your socks up or piss off".
Nope, it's an odd kind of redemption that I seek, so odd that I haven't really defined what it is. But I know it's there. The line, "Do Good Deeds" kind of resonates, and that is in the mix of the whole shebang. But there's a missing piece of the jigsaw.
When I find it, I'll let you know.
++++++++++
I casually started this month with that most fatal of poker character flaws; hubris. I reckoned that my new "style" was worth 2.5 big bets a 100 at $2-$4 (well, it had been the previous couple of months) and I worked out that playing a lot of limit, 4-tabling, would not only rack up the rakeback, but would also generate a fairly low variance $2,000 profit in a month.
Well, it definitely didn't work out like that. All of a sudden every session became a struggle, with me saying "how on earth did I ever win at this game?" All the players out there will have been there. No major losses, just a day-in-day-out struggle to keep your head above water, let alone any propsect of moving forwards. As soon as you think you see a light at the end of the tunnel, someone comes along and blows out what turns out to be a very much not windproof candle.
OK, I realize I'm heading into the workld of extended mixed metaphors there, which is a dark and dangerous place to go, even for an accomplished stylist such as myself.
So, not much poker to report at the moment, because most of it is "more of the same". In Zen it is written that sometimes you will play a very long session and end up winning or losing $3. I've been having a lot of those. Then there's a few $50 wins, and a few "went $200 down and got out of it"s and a few "went $200 down and didn't quite get out of it"s. Not many "went $200 up and lost it all back"s and absolutely no "Went $200 up and carried on winning"s.
Be prepared for an anorak-stuffed slogfest of first-half graphs and stats. I'm a sad geek at heart.
________________________
If it's possible, I have digressed before I have even started.
However, I wouldn't dream of claiming that "everyone is in search of redemption" (which is where I meant to start). That's a more personal thing. Now, seeking redemption is a bit of a toughie when, like me, you are a down-the-line atheist. One of the steps in the 12 steps of recovery from alcoholism is "making amends", but there are echoes of "redemption" in it. However, my own search for redemption is something beyond meeting all the people that I have hurt at some point in my life and apologizing. For a start, I would estimate that a good 50% of them might have deserved a good kicking anyway (not a point that AA seems to address!), but it was only booze that gave me the courage to say so. We spend far too much time going round making other people feel good about themselves, leaving just a few poor souls with the unenviable task of being "bad cop" and saying "well, to be blunt, you weren't unlucky. You are just utter rubbish and you ought to pull your socks up or piss off".
Nope, it's an odd kind of redemption that I seek, so odd that I haven't really defined what it is. But I know it's there. The line, "Do Good Deeds" kind of resonates, and that is in the mix of the whole shebang. But there's a missing piece of the jigsaw.
When I find it, I'll let you know.
++++++++++
I casually started this month with that most fatal of poker character flaws; hubris. I reckoned that my new "style" was worth 2.5 big bets a 100 at $2-$4 (well, it had been the previous couple of months) and I worked out that playing a lot of limit, 4-tabling, would not only rack up the rakeback, but would also generate a fairly low variance $2,000 profit in a month.
Well, it definitely didn't work out like that. All of a sudden every session became a struggle, with me saying "how on earth did I ever win at this game?" All the players out there will have been there. No major losses, just a day-in-day-out struggle to keep your head above water, let alone any propsect of moving forwards. As soon as you think you see a light at the end of the tunnel, someone comes along and blows out what turns out to be a very much not windproof candle.
OK, I realize I'm heading into the workld of extended mixed metaphors there, which is a dark and dangerous place to go, even for an accomplished stylist such as myself.
So, not much poker to report at the moment, because most of it is "more of the same". In Zen it is written that sometimes you will play a very long session and end up winning or losing $3. I've been having a lot of those. Then there's a few $50 wins, and a few "went $200 down and got out of it"s and a few "went $200 down and didn't quite get out of it"s. Not many "went $200 up and lost it all back"s and absolutely no "Went $200 up and carried on winning"s.
Be prepared for an anorak-stuffed slogfest of first-half graphs and stats. I'm a sad geek at heart.
________________________
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The path to salvation?
Date: 2006-06-21 06:11 pm (UTC)But then I realised that there are some people who achieve their contentment out of simply being greedy sods and to ask the materialistic people of this world to give stuff up for others isn't going to make them any happier. What I think is the best thing doesn't necessarily suit everyone. The world is full of people who grow to adulthood, seek out and pin down partners, seek out material success and feather their own nest and remain content with their second homes in Provence, buy flash cars and (top of my hate list) stick personal number plates on them. If you suggested to these people that they'd be happier for volunteering to spend a half-day in their local Oxfam shop, they'd just stare back uncomprehendingly.
My present world theory is that there is a sort of sliding scale of self-centredness and our aims in life are defined by our place on that scale. So someone at the top end needs to pursue material wealth and 'life success' to validate their approach. For them redemption and apology are meaningless and worthless. Others at the opposite end gain no real pleasure in getting success but are validated by what they do for other people.
People aren't at the extremes of this scale, say from Donald Trump to Mother Teresa and the saints enjoy their luxuries some time whilst even the merchant wankers can be found doing good (so long as everyone sees them doing this). Nor do you stay put on this scale and age (and acquiring a religious faith) can move you up and down.
All you have to do is work out what you want out of life and you have a much better chance of achieving happiness or at the worst, contentment.