Losing

[peterbirks]

Sterling sank below my stop-loss at 6am, so I closed out. The stockmarket opened 90 points lower, hitting me for more than four figures, and last night, following a rather upsetting phone call with the woman I love, I was on tilt even before I sat down at the tables, so perhaps sitting at a 6-max game that was bigger than I had ever sat in before, and playing in a $5-$10 ring game 'because it was there', was not such a good idea.

I would have lost anyway, but I did run bad (AK v AA in the blinds at 6-max on a flop of Kxx rainbow; K9 straight under AK straight in the blinds; and, worst of all, a set of fives on the flop losing to a set of Jacks on the river; are all likely to seriously damage the wealth of any serious 6-max player at medium stakes). So, net result was, to put it mildly, fucking awful. I have no-one to blame but myself. A player should never sit down at the poker table to release emotions that have been built up elsewhere. That's what losers do.

I even posted a kind of Wintermute "fuck all this" message, at about 2am. I got virtually no sleep, but at least I had the wit to wipe that one at 5am or thereabouts. I'm still upset, I'm still a fuck-up. But at least I can observe the whole train crash with a kind of amused detachment. I've felt that going 0 for 4 with Kings in hold'em was bad, but going 0 for 4 in life is infinitely worse. I feel old, lonely, jealous and bitter at other people's happiness, and, to be honest, not a very positive contribution to the whole of humanity at the moment. Andyet, in a weird way, the whole awfulness of it is funny. My one hope is that perhaps I can bring some pleasure to other people through the wonder of schadenfreude, 'cos I certainly ain't going to be cheering anyone up any other way.


Thank god for the option of working at home, although choosing to lock yourself away when one of the things that is crucifying you is loneliness might seem, er, not the most logical way to go about things. But, hell, sometimes life isn't logical. I didn't fancy the idea of either (a) being the archetypal grumpy old man in the office, or (b) bursting into tears, or (c) going on some Hungerford-like stomping violent massacre of anything and anyone that stood in my way.

With the last of these being a distinct possibility.

So, I lock myself away for the protection of other people. God, I am so considerate.

So, fuck the world, fuck the commuters, fuck the shopkeepers, fuck the brothers, fuck the schoolkids, fuck the bosses, fuck it all. Ed Norton has given two great soliloquies in the history of film, one was in Fight Club and one was in 25th Hour. Combine those two speeches. Square them. Then you have some idea how I feel today. And that, my friends, is not good.

Okay, GOMs, I defy anyone to beat that.


Still, it could have been worse. If sterling bounces later today, I'm heading for the pharmaceuticals section of the chemist.

If I wipe this in a couple of hours' time, I've changed my mind.

Comments

Re: Alternative therapy

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to head into the "I can't resort to food, I can't resort to drink, I can't resort to booze and I can't resort to sex" line of self-pity, although it was definitely something I was feeling.

When Oakes had had a bad day in the markets way back in the mid-1980s I remember him pouring himseld a large rum and black, turning off the lights and playing something really loud on his extremely expensive stereo system (expensive, but, like a Nikon Camera and Canon Lens, not exactly constructed of compatible bits). I have the wireless headphones to do that myself now.

It perhaps says something about how I felt that even that didn't appeal. It's rough, man.

There are no easy answers, because I see all the answers that similar sufferers resort to, and none of them seem to work. The one thing which might work, getting out there and taking control (not just stuffing yourself with yummy chocolate or ice-cream) of the things that matter, seems utterly impossible. For goodness' sake, I'm not unique... look at how the Samaritans keeps going decade after decade. The only thing particularly unusual about my condition is that the channels of escape open to most people are closed off to me.

PJ

Re: Alternative therapy

[(Anonymous)]

Well as someone whose career has gone off the rails several times as a result of depression, I know that one of the golden rules is that you don't tell depressed people what to do. So I won't do that, but I will make some neutral observations that may or may not help you out.

Daylight works well for me, and London's green spaces are particularly nice this week. Lots of sunshine, plants coming up, and birds singing. I walk through St James's Park every day at lunchtime and it does wonders for keeping me sane (French schoolchildren and squirrel-loving nutjobs aside).

Playing poker when depressed has always made me a lot more depressed, and also a lot poorer. Even though I like to chat at online tables, even that is no fun when I'm dragging along the bottom.

Sometimes I manage to remind myself that although there are real reasons why I'm depressed, the actual emotion itself is caused by chemistry going on in my brain. Pills used to help me out with this, but sometimes it just sorted itself out all on its own.

And of course if I were to write an interesting and thought-provoking daily blog that lots of people (most of them silent lurkers) gain enjoyment from during their daily grind, well the thought of that might cheer me up a tiny bit too.

All the best

A Lurker

Re: Alternative therapy

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Kind words and many thanks.

You are right about the "walks in the park". Last week walking through Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park was definitely one of the more uplifting experiences of the past few weeks. I'm not sure whether the appeal wouldn't pall for me if I did it too often, but the idea appeals.

I'm glad that you mentioned this "real reasons" combined with "chemistry in the brain". Unlike the standard bipolars, my depressions usually (but not always) seem to have an external cause. But then again, how can I be sure that if I wasn't in an "up" mode, I wouldn't have shrugged off the external cause with a chuckle? I don't even know if it is a physical illness (i.e., a chemical fault in the brain) rather than a mental one (i.e., some kind of thinking problem uncaused by chemicals). It's probably a micture of the two, which would make a combination of something like Zoloft and some kind of therapy the right solution.

The problem is that, it isn't there all the time. And the last thing that I want to do when it isn't there is to talk to a therapist about it.

PJ

Re: Alternative therapy

[(Anonymous)]

That's the whole irritating thing with Depression - it's a total chicken-and-egg thing. The Depression is caused by external or internal forces leading the brain to screw up the Serotonin uptake which leads to feeling crap (or whatever). OR the Serotonin uptake is buggered up for internal chemical reasons and THAT leads to feeling Depressed.

That's why Prozac, Fluoxatin and other SSRI's work for most people whether they have a crap life, crap events or a crap brain. From what I've seen it's possible to suffer from Depression regardless of how good/bad your life is (qv Dave Stewart's Paradise Syndrome). All of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (2nd treatment of choice) in the world won't help if all your Serotonin leaks back because you're wired that way.

Re: Alternative therapy

[geoffchall.livejournal.com]

er, that's me again. Damned LJ.