Losing

[peterbirks]

Sterling sank below my stop-loss at 6am, so I closed out. The stockmarket opened 90 points lower, hitting me for more than four figures, and last night, following a rather upsetting phone call with the woman I love, I was on tilt even before I sat down at the tables, so perhaps sitting at a 6-max game that was bigger than I had ever sat in before, and playing in a $5-$10 ring game 'because it was there', was not such a good idea.

I would have lost anyway, but I did run bad (AK v AA in the blinds at 6-max on a flop of Kxx rainbow; K9 straight under AK straight in the blinds; and, worst of all, a set of fives on the flop losing to a set of Jacks on the river; are all likely to seriously damage the wealth of any serious 6-max player at medium stakes). So, net result was, to put it mildly, fucking awful. I have no-one to blame but myself. A player should never sit down at the poker table to release emotions that have been built up elsewhere. That's what losers do.

I even posted a kind of Wintermute "fuck all this" message, at about 2am. I got virtually no sleep, but at least I had the wit to wipe that one at 5am or thereabouts. I'm still upset, I'm still a fuck-up. But at least I can observe the whole train crash with a kind of amused detachment. I've felt that going 0 for 4 with Kings in hold'em was bad, but going 0 for 4 in life is infinitely worse. I feel old, lonely, jealous and bitter at other people's happiness, and, to be honest, not a very positive contribution to the whole of humanity at the moment. Andyet, in a weird way, the whole awfulness of it is funny. My one hope is that perhaps I can bring some pleasure to other people through the wonder of schadenfreude, 'cos I certainly ain't going to be cheering anyone up any other way.


Thank god for the option of working at home, although choosing to lock yourself away when one of the things that is crucifying you is loneliness might seem, er, not the most logical way to go about things. But, hell, sometimes life isn't logical. I didn't fancy the idea of either (a) being the archetypal grumpy old man in the office, or (b) bursting into tears, or (c) going on some Hungerford-like stomping violent massacre of anything and anyone that stood in my way.

With the last of these being a distinct possibility.

So, I lock myself away for the protection of other people. God, I am so considerate.

So, fuck the world, fuck the commuters, fuck the shopkeepers, fuck the brothers, fuck the schoolkids, fuck the bosses, fuck it all. Ed Norton has given two great soliloquies in the history of film, one was in Fight Club and one was in 25th Hour. Combine those two speeches. Square them. Then you have some idea how I feel today. And that, my friends, is not good.

Okay, GOMs, I defy anyone to beat that.


Still, it could have been worse. If sterling bounces later today, I'm heading for the pharmaceuticals section of the chemist.

If I wipe this in a couple of hours' time, I've changed my mind.

Comments

Losing

[taopoker.livejournal.com]

Do you have a punching bag to take out the frustration on?

Re: Losing

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Hi Pauly.

No, but one would have been useful last night, because I very nearly put a fist through a door. Luckily, sobriety tends to make you realize that this is not a wise move when you use a keyboard for a living.

Also, I like my doors, rather more than I like me.

Pete

[(Anonymous)]

A cliche I know (and a You tube link, I'm sorry) but nevertheless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

chin up fella

Dom

[(Anonymous)]

Don't get emotional about things you have no control over [GBP/USD, FTSE, losing set under set etc]

matt

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

That was why I should not have sat down to play in the first place, Matt. But thanks, anyway.

Pete

[jellymillion.livejournal.com]

http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Thanks Mike.

I think I preferred Pauly's punchbag, but I see where you are coming from. :-)

PJ

Alternative therapy

[geoffchall.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether we should read anything into your choice of music really. I'm not much given to depression so it's hard to see the world through the eyes of the Black Dog. When frustrated, it's almost always through an inability to control life's circumstances and I therefore attempt to cure it by exerting control over things that are in my control. This usually manifests itself in over-eating stuff that I think will make me feel good (high sugar, high fat) but which is in itself a form of self-harm. Of course this then leads to the end of the sugar-high or putting on half a stone which induces guilt etc etc. How to have a fucked-up relationship with food.

It's either that or I play Mozart's Requiem really really loud.

Re: Alternative therapy

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to head into the "I can't resort to food, I can't resort to drink, I can't resort to booze and I can't resort to sex" line of self-pity, although it was definitely something I was feeling.

When Oakes had had a bad day in the markets way back in the mid-1980s I remember him pouring himseld a large rum and black, turning off the lights and playing something really loud on his extremely expensive stereo system (expensive, but, like a Nikon Camera and Canon Lens, not exactly constructed of compatible bits). I have the wireless headphones to do that myself now.

It perhaps says something about how I felt that even that didn't appeal. It's rough, man.

There are no easy answers, because I see all the answers that similar sufferers resort to, and none of them seem to work. The one thing which might work, getting out there and taking control (not just stuffing yourself with yummy chocolate or ice-cream) of the things that matter, seems utterly impossible. For goodness' sake, I'm not unique... look at how the Samaritans keeps going decade after decade. The only thing particularly unusual about my condition is that the channels of escape open to most people are closed off to me.

PJ

Re: Alternative therapy

[(Anonymous)]

Well as someone whose career has gone off the rails several times as a result of depression, I know that one of the golden rules is that you don't tell depressed people what to do. So I won't do that, but I will make some neutral observations that may or may not help you out.

Daylight works well for me, and London's green spaces are particularly nice this week. Lots of sunshine, plants coming up, and birds singing. I walk through St James's Park every day at lunchtime and it does wonders for keeping me sane (French schoolchildren and squirrel-loving nutjobs aside).

Playing poker when depressed has always made me a lot more depressed, and also a lot poorer. Even though I like to chat at online tables, even that is no fun when I'm dragging along the bottom.

Sometimes I manage to remind myself that although there are real reasons why I'm depressed, the actual emotion itself is caused by chemistry going on in my brain. Pills used to help me out with this, but sometimes it just sorted itself out all on its own.

And of course if I were to write an interesting and thought-provoking daily blog that lots of people (most of them silent lurkers) gain enjoyment from during their daily grind, well the thought of that might cheer me up a tiny bit too.

All the best

A Lurker

Re: Alternative therapy

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Kind words and many thanks.

You are right about the "walks in the park". Last week walking through Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park was definitely one of the more uplifting experiences of the past few weeks. I'm not sure whether the appeal wouldn't pall for me if I did it too often, but the idea appeals.

I'm glad that you mentioned this "real reasons" combined with "chemistry in the brain". Unlike the standard bipolars, my depressions usually (but not always) seem to have an external cause. But then again, how can I be sure that if I wasn't in an "up" mode, I wouldn't have shrugged off the external cause with a chuckle? I don't even know if it is a physical illness (i.e., a chemical fault in the brain) rather than a mental one (i.e., some kind of thinking problem uncaused by chemicals). It's probably a micture of the two, which would make a combination of something like Zoloft and some kind of therapy the right solution.

The problem is that, it isn't there all the time. And the last thing that I want to do when it isn't there is to talk to a therapist about it.

PJ

Re: Alternative therapy

[(Anonymous)]

That's the whole irritating thing with Depression - it's a total chicken-and-egg thing. The Depression is caused by external or internal forces leading the brain to screw up the Serotonin uptake which leads to feeling crap (or whatever). OR the Serotonin uptake is buggered up for internal chemical reasons and THAT leads to feeling Depressed.

That's why Prozac, Fluoxatin and other SSRI's work for most people whether they have a crap life, crap events or a crap brain. From what I've seen it's possible to suffer from Depression regardless of how good/bad your life is (qv Dave Stewart's Paradise Syndrome). All of the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (2nd treatment of choice) in the world won't help if all your Serotonin leaks back because you're wired that way.

Re: Alternative therapy

[geoffchall.livejournal.com]

er, that's me again. Damned LJ.

[countingmyouts.livejournal.com]

Perhaps your trip to Sin City is coming at a good time. It really is not possible to have a bad time there. :-)

Michael

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

I'm actually staying at the Excalibur, for the first time ever. I chose it because I thought, stupidly, that when someone said he and some frinds of his would be at the MGM Mirage at the same time I was in LV, he might actually have been telling the truth. Well, perhaps he was telling the truth, but we have different concepts of "truth". For me, saying I will be somewhere means that I will be somewhere. For some people, saying that they will be somewhere is a vague idea that they might be there, if the wind is in the right direction.

Anyhoo, I will probably be playing more in the MGM this time round, but I will be making it up to the old Flamingo Road for some games in that neck of the woods.

So, no free bus to the Gold Coast any more, either, I assume. (Not that I ever used it).

My Barbary meals tended to be at around 6.45am, just before the midnight to 7am specials finished. The entertainment part was watching security guards waking up the guys who were busted, or the girls who had passed out through drink, before throwing them out.

And I actually watched Sin City the other night, having bought it on DVD. It's a good movie, in the sense that it is the best film I've ever seen for catching the "image" of comic book drawing. Wikipedia gives an interesting story of how it was all done.

They are shooting Sin City 2 now, I believe.

Oh, and it is possible to have a bad time in LV, in that one year I was ill for much of the time and couldn't, as a result, play that well. I think that was the only time that I lost overall.

PJ

[countingmyouts.livejournal.com]

Fair enough, you were able to find a way to have a bad time in LV. I stand corrected. (LOL)

I also enjoyed the early morning breakfast at the Barbary. I used to go there quite a bit when they had +EV video poker. I specifically enjoyed hanging out near the Drai's entrance and watching the trashed "beautiful people" after hours crowd exit while I played VP after breakfast.

Good to hear that Sin City 2 is in production. I truly enjoyed Sin City, a tremendous production.

Michael

Swedish Lurve

[real-aardvark.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I spent an hour in my favourite downtown bar today, part of which involved listening to (either) the same solo Artiste med Guitar as yesterday (or) a rubber-stamped copy of the same.

On reflection, I think this one was different. For starters, he had an extraordinary, strangled-weasel, sort of way of singing in English.

Now, I know I shouldn't mock, since I still haven't worked out the Swedish word for "please," but if your playlist is

* Killing Me Softly
* Mustang Sally
* Every Step You Take

... and a few others (one Elvis, I seem to recall through the horror), then you'd hope that the result wouldn't be like listening to George Bush reading through an autocue. I mean, I *know* that English isn't the guy's first language. I *know* that it isn't GWBII's, either. But Bush has the sense to do something useful, like invading Iraq, rather than something as tone-deaf as playing guitar in a foreign language.

And no, it didn't sound like the Swedish Chef. It sounded much, much, worse. I had to buy another bottle of beer, because I was afraid of the implicit admission that this was so awful, I wanted to walk out.

I have, in all honesty, heard much better in bars in Mexico dedicated to Beatles tribute bands. They tend to go wrong in (a) singing better than Ringo and (b) being married less often than John or Paul, but you can't fault them for trying. And the result did make for a pleasant evening in the Zona Rosa, back in the late '80s.

Rum & Blacks would be a typical Oakes choice of bad taste. Peronsally, I'd go for Rum & Pinks. But it has to be exactly the right shade of Pink.

Geoff is right: Mozart's requiem is excellent for this sort of thing. As is a bravura performance of Chopin's Second. Beethoven's Fifth Piano Concerto also springs to mind. Several bits of Shostakovich might also work, and if you're prepared for a bit of swingeing irony, I'd recommend Nielsen's Third.

Which is all a pathetic attempt to deal with the basic problem, that being the "rather upsetting phone call with the woman I love." None of us can help you there, mate. Be thankful that you're still alive enough to have a woman you love. Maybe the next phone call will be better; probably it won't be. In the meantime, at least you're baring yourself to yourself.

-- Much love, Peter

PS I really would try Nielsen, if I were you. And, now I come to think of it, Schumann's Rhenish.

Re: Swedish please

[(Anonymous)]

Swedes don't normally say any equivalent of "please", in my experience. But "tack" can be used for "please" as well for "thank you", if you like.

There are also other polite ways of asking for things: the equivalent of (and about as common as) "Would you be so good as to ..." in English.

-- Jonathan

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry you've been feeling bad. But I think the problem is mainly your reaction to life rather than what life is actually doing to you.

I'm slightly older than you but it still doesn't really hurt (yet); I've been lonely most of my life and kind of got used to it.

Yes, relations with the opposite sex (or in some cases with the same sex, according to taste) tend to be a problem. On the other hand, if you have such a relationship you can console yourself that at least you have one; and if you haven't, you can console yourself that at least you don't have the almost inevitable problems that go with one.

For a lot of people, lack of money is a problem. You're not Bill Gates, but you don't seem to have a lack-of-money problem. I'm not living in poverty, but to me your financial situation is enviable.

You might possibly agree with me that all humans are crazy in some way or other and many of them are also stupid; that distresses me, but I manage to live with it. It doesn't normally ruin your day-to-day life unless you spend too much time brooding over it.

For any of us, things could be better; but they could also be much worse than they are. We're better off in many ways than most of the world's population. If you're reasonably healthy, not in pain, have a home and money in the bank, be grateful.

-- Jonathan