a dreadful dreadful day

[peterbirks]

It all started to go wrong at about 11am, when the builder telephoned me at work to say that the guy next door had asked if I had planning permission for the window that was going into the side wall.

The situation is this. If the window is in the side wall, I can see (and the window is only about seven feet from) their roof terrace. What I did not know was that the window has a view of the back door to the terrace, and that this is a partially glass door. This is a key(ish) point.

I did the checks that I had done before, and, as far as I could see, I was ok on the grounds of permitted minor developments. But I came home early anyway, and went round to number 2 to ring the doorbell of the flat in question. No reply, so I came back to the house and typed a note, leaving my number and saying "please phone or pop over and ring the bell and I'll show what I am doing with the kitchen". Popped next door and put it through the letterbox.

About half-hour later he phoned, and despite all my offers of frosting over the window, making it so it wouldn't open (even though it opens from the bottom out, so, if it was frosted, I wouldn't be able to see the roof terrace. Despite all my pointing out the relevant planning permission laws when it comes to changing your own home, it was clear that he wasn't willing to compromise and that he was going to make things unpleasant. And, even if you win, and are legally in the right, it's no fun if a neighbour wants to make things unpleasant.

By this time I was in stress-state city. I talked to Chris the builder, but I eventually crumbled and told him to brick it up. I could see that he was disappointed in me. I texted Jan, and she phoned me back, and I tried to explain myself, but I didn't make a good job of it, and I could sense that she was disappointed in me. And, of course, even if they weren't disappointed in me and I was imagining it, I was disappointed in myself for my cowardliness, For yet one more confirmation, as it were, of my lack of manliness. I knew, intellectually, that what I was doing was the right thing, but I felt like shit, like absolutely nothing, the lowest of the low. I tell you, I have had moments of low self-esteem in the past, but this one was breaking all known records. Worthlessness just didn't come into it.

And now I'm scared to put any decking outside on the roof, to sit on. I've made myself a prisoner in my own house. That's how much of a piece of gutless crap I am.

But what if I'd said to the guy "Tough shit, the law's on my side"? What then? Well, that would have been even worse, although I can't know that for sure and, the way I feel at the moment, I can't imagine it being any worse. But, once again, my fear of confrontation (or, to be honest, my fear of myself if I lose my rag) has been my undoing. I've got a rage and a pain inside of myself that is killing me, a grief at myself that brooks no argument. It's unbearable.

But, I know that it will pass. I'll get through it, necesarily alone, because that's how it is for people like me. But, better that wway than in jail, or dead. Eh?

+++++++++++

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

It's awkward. I'd probably have done what you did and probably have felt a bit low too. I've got something similar with the people upstairs and music. Do remember that even if you were a bit too soft this time (and even if you feel you are too soft too often) there are an awful lot of positive things about not being a cunt, as you weren't here.

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your kind words Anon. It's nice not to be alone. I shall hang on to your final sentence like a drowning man with jetsam.

PJ

[jellymillion.livejournal.com]

You probably did the right thing, in that you probably do need planning permission to add a window that creates an "overlook" onto another property. When we were fighting a neighbour's proposed extension back in Greenwich, one of the factors that caused the Inspector to deny their appeal on their first rejection was the fact that they were planning to create a new second-floor window that would add a new viewpoint on the house on the other side of the road.

Of course, they got it through second time around because the Greenwich Planning Office were a bunch of semi-literate monkeys. Never underestimate the pitiful incompetence of the local authority apparatchik and you'll never be wrong, I say. But we were already moving by then.

It appears from http://www.lewisham.gov.uk/Environment/Planning/ , which strangely includes a picture of the British Museum courtyard roof, which I would have said was geographically not very SE13, that they're signed up to the Unitary Development Plan (click through "Planning Policy") which is an interesting document, well worth picking up for a tenner.

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

The point is moot, but my line is that this was not any type of extension, but the insertion of a window in an existing wall. But, as you say, it only has to go to the planning people and you have months of stress. Added to that was my willingness to frost over the glass.

But thanks for thinking that I did the right thing.

PJ

Kharma...

[slowjoe.livejournal.com]

...is a MY bitch.

Phone Lewisham nick. Tell 'em you think there's a crack-house in there next time they're on the roof garden.

Also, collect a shitload of leaves, and burn them when the wind is in an unfortunate direction.

That should get your mojo back.

You were dead right to avoid this particular fight, btw. You would be laying very heavy reverse implied odds, as you know yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

i think that i would have told him to go get an injunction, last estimates for one was about 5k lodged with solicitor b4 any work commences. but in the end u took the path of least resistance and it made u feel much worse.

unfortunately the world is stuffed full of petty minded jealous people and i do hope that u do not let them beat u!!

ps have been reading ur blog for a long time and enjoy ur financial commentary as much as the poker (been playing online since planet poker over 10 years ago)

Re: Kharma...

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Tempting though this kind of stuff is (and, trust me, far worse things cross my mind) it's the confrontation that I can't stand. My easiest (albeit not cheapest) path would be to wait six months and then to quietly apply for planning permission for a couple of things as well as the window. Then I would have a letter from the council telling me that planning permission for this particuylar insertion/installation was not required. But even that seems petty to me if it's going to cause bad feeling.

So, yes, the bullies win because I back down in a wish to avoid bad feeling from someone else to me. That's my own psychological flaw -- a desparate need to be liked. Once again, it's all revolving around self-esteem issues. Really, I shouldn't ive a SHIT if I'm not liked by someone I don't know, even if they are next-door neighbours. But I can't take it mentally.

PJ

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

i'm afraid i do let them beat me. That's the cause of the worthlessness feeling.

PJ

There was a time ....

[ukastronomy.livejournal.com]

There was a time when I would have done exactly what you did and there is certainly nothing wrong with your decision. It is never a good idea to fall out with neighbours (or work colleagues) but sometimes you owe it to yourself and/or the wider community to make a stand against the selfish attitude of some of our fellow citizens. The key is to know when!

[badblood44.livejournal.com]

Peter,

You are who you are.

"That's my own psychological flaw -- a desperate need to be liked."

I am exactly the same way. It makes me act a certain way in front of others. It makes me NOT say things I know are correct to say.

But don't make those feelings something which hurts your self-esteem. The problem is that there's no reward mechanism for being nice to someone or avoiding needless confrontation. We see in the world around us jerks getting what they want simply because they're willing to act like that. I can't do it because it's not who I am. In fact, were I to ever act in such a way and achieve a goal based on that behavior, I'd be PISSED with myself for not winning the battle the "right" way, the "intellectual" way.

Sure, you can be disappointed in not having the window put in. But don't be disappointed in yourself for not putting up a fight. You analyzed the situation properly and made what's most likely the correct choice.

ADDD

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who does not enjoy confrontation, apart from on a football pitch (altho' Ive never been booked, go figure), I sympathise with your situation. A knee-jerk combatitive response from me would just not happen, Id need to consider the alternatives and sometimes recognise x days later that I should have made a stand.... Having said that, any hope of keeping a friendly neighbourhood atmosphere would be pretty impossible. However I hope i wouldnt let the actions of such a lowlife get me down. Would regarding it as the equivalent of a bad beat at poker make it any easier to get over?
Keith S

Re: ADDD

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Current voting seems to be four thinking that I made the right decision (although Mike's agreement seems to be on legal rather than psycological grounds) and four (if we include Jan and Chris) thinking that I should have made a stand. Meanwhile my friend Rich e-mailed me and (as a mediator) suggested an in-between "conflict resolution" line.

This even-steven split fits my own "damned if I do and damned if I don't feeling". In poker, we know what this means; it means you made a bad decision earlier on in the hand. I'm aware of that, but it still makes it a pain in the arse now that I have to fold on the turn, having put in more than a third of my stack.

How's that for extending the poker metaphor?

PJ

Re: ADDD

[(Anonymous)]

i think it's a good metaphor. You could, with hindsight, have asked your neighbour before starting the work. To put myself in his shoes i think i'd be more likely to agree if i felt involved earlier rather than seeing a fait accompli. Which is why you might feel that it's gone a bit wrong / you've messed up but shouldn't read as much into it as you are. (the first anon)

[jaybee66.livejournal.com]

Let me add my vote to the "you did the wrong thing" count.

Don't be a member of the sheeple and let yourself be pushed around by anyone.

I've lived next to all-sorts and stand up for myself every time.

Yes, I have been punched and I have punched back. Giving someone a beating is far better than hiding in your own home.

Now, whenever you leave your own home, you are going to have one eye on your neighbour's house and wondering how you can avoid him.

He has beaten you on so many different levels.

dreadful day

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Pete,

I can't comment on the legal issues here but judging by your harsh character appraisal in the light of your decision, I feel like you should have gone the frosted window route.

It sounds like you were dealing with someone completely unreasonable and decided to take the high road, but if it made you feel just slightly better than being imprisoned I'd say it wasn't worth it. Of course if we all went around doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted the human race would be in a similar position to a colony of yeast in a bucket, so taking a considerate decision can hardly be regarded as lacking in manliness, quite the opposite. Surely it's childish to need to get your own way in every argument?

In this case though I think you gave in to someone else's irrational need for control (if you can't see through to their damn terrace then where's the problem?) at too great a cost to your self esteem. While there's no need to behave like a Neanderthal I think you should reconsider, can you live with the sense of a neighbour's disapproval of your wanting a little more light in your property? If you want help removing the new brickwork let me know!

Mattito.

[jellymillion.livejournal.com]

You simply would not believe (well actually you probably would) how arbitrary the whole thing is. A new window in a wall is plenty of grounds for needing planning permission and it's impossible to know whether or not it will fall foul of the process without applying for it. You would probably be well-advised to get architect drawings done as well. Honestly. Frosted glass is something that might sway the planning department but catch them on the wrong day and they can get rules-lawyerish (who was it who used to be cited as the archetypal - architypical? - rules lawyer?) and steer you down the road to madness.

I still shudder at the memory of trying to point out to a planning committee at 10:30 on a Thursday night, the important of writing "substantial", meaning "having substance, existing" and then reading it as "a lot of".

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Hi Mike:

Yes, I would believe, and this was one of the factors in my decision. Although my interpretation of every rule I could find (including the 1995 Act and the 2008 amendment) struck me as saying that planning permission would not be needed -- indeed, that I actually fell into the category of "avoiding the need for unnecessary planning applications", I should still have got a formal letter from the council telling me that I did not need to apply. In other words, I should have applied to be told that I did not need to apply!

Whatever, I feel considerably better about myself tonight, after a patchy two to three hours sleep last night and stress-related retching this morning. Chris the Builder was a saint today, and worked like a dervish on the inside to breezeblock it up, plaster board it and apply a skim of plasterwork over that wall so that it looks like it was always planned to be that way, and that makes a big psychological difference. Yes, I still have certain issues to deal with about myself that this particular event brought to the fore, but those were issues that were present in any case. The actual single event that highlighted them I can now cope with. This is roughly what I thought would happen and I've done okay, better than I thought I would. Bad Blood still wrote what I thought was the most relevant point, for me.

I am now going to pop off to try to continue my bad run on the talbes, that seems to be hammering away at $100 buy in quite diligently. Luckily the $200 games have chosen to be quite kind -- when I can find them.

It was Steve Jones who, perhaps a bit unfairly, was called the archetypal rules lawyer.

PJ

The important point

[geoffchall.livejournal.com]

Surely you're missing the relevant thing. Does the presence or absence of the window make much of a difference to your kitchen-fiddling? If you are going to be left with a gloomy kitchen where you stare at the wall and think "you bastard, I can't read in here because of the lack of natural light" then yes you should have gone checked verbally with the council and then resisted.

If the light will be fine or you'd be using fancy in-set down lights anyway, then who gives a stuff about the window and if they obviously do give a stuff then, what-the-hell, brick it up.

Re: The important point

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Good point Geoff. I'm the person who has to live there. And although the window would have been nice, I can live without it. There are other "important" issues (about me, about the atmosphere, about this place, about London in general, about how I should make my own decisions and not do things to please people) that this matter has brought to the fore and which I really need to consider seriously. But at the specific level, I'm not someone who really cares that much about views from a window (well, I do, but in London it's not something you can afforrd to care about too much), and I should have kept that in mind from the start.

PJ

[(Anonymous)]

I'm surprised that a control freak such as yourself didn't apply for planning permission in advance. Perhaps that's why you're so upset ... it's more kicking yourself for allowing such a situation to develop. Your neighbour is perfectly within his rights to object - as you doubtless would if the situation were reversed.

[peterbirks.livejournal.com]

Yes, but this is taking the discussion into an area where I don't particularly want it to go.

PJ

[danmonkey.livejournal.com]

"Giving someone a beating is far better than hiding in your own home"

This is plain madness and just goes to prove you were right.

Choose your battles etc, and rise above the savage hordes (and petty minded idiots) wherever and whenever appropriate.

[jaybee66.livejournal.com]

So long as the sheeple scuttle into their homes instead of standing up for themselves then the "savage hordes" will keep coming here and treating the nation as a soft touch.