Goldman Sachs sues The Devil
Jul. 21st, 2010 02:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
peterbirksGoldman Sachs has instituted legal action against the Devil, filing suit in the Southern District of New York on grounds of breach of contract and dereliction of duty.
Goldman Sachs legal counsel Gush "The Hammer" Spanier said today that his company had signed a "legal and binding contract in blood" with Satan in 1988, under which, said Spanier "The Devil promised to put his full focus on the success of Goldman Sachs in the financial services sector, in return for the eternal souls of all Goldman Sachs partners, present and future". This, said Spanier, was an exclusive deal that forbad The Devil from signing similar agreements with any rivals or potential rivals to Goldman Sachs.
Yesterday Goldman Sachs reported an 83% Q2 fall in profit to just $453m, with equity trading being particularly badly hit. Mr Spanier said that the Devil had clearly taken his "eye off the ball" when a number of Goldman clients hedged their equity positions by going long on volatility, leaving Goldman Sachs short on volatility just as it spiked.
"The Devil let us down here, and we know why", said Spanier. "We have evidence that, despite an explicit exclusivity clause in our contract, the Devil has signed another, similarly worded, deal with Apple."
In response, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that the Goldman Sachs allegation was nonsense, that Apple's success was solely due to its superior products, and that he hadn't signed over his soul to the Devil at any time, no sirree. On being asked how it was possible that a product as total shite as the IPhone 4G could possibly sell by the billion if Jobs had not had some kind of compact with the Devil, Mr Jobs just said that "sometimes the public shows different kinds of taste".
Meanwhile the Devil rejected Goldman Sachs accusation that he had been focusing too much on making the IPhone and IPad a success and had not been looking after Goldman Sachs sufficiently well.
Satanic legal representative Wormscrub Flayling said that, while The Devil's team had been doing "short-term consultancy work" for Apple, there was no breach of the exclusivity agreement because Apple was not a financial services company. He said that the volatility shift that had damaged Goldman Sachs in Q2 was not The Devil's reponsibility because volatility indices had not existed when the contract was originally signed.
"Volatility is totally outside the Devil's remit", said Flayling, rejecting Warren Buffett's recent claim that derivatives were "The Devil's Work".
"Contrary to popular myth, Satan had nothing to do with the invention of collateralized debt obligations and the slicing and dicing of these derivatives in such a way as to make sure no mid-sized European bank had the faintest ide what was going on. That was all David Viniar's work, and we were very proud of him for that. On his death we look forward to him being an important member of Hell's Financial Strategy Team".
Back at Goldman Sachs, Spanier is not convinced.
"While it is true that we came up with the ideas for some of our superior derivatives, we always felt that there was some kind of anti-divine inspiration at work. We employ a lot of very clever guys, but some of the things that they came up with were so complex and devious as to be almost supernatural".
The case will be head before Justice Aardvark Malmo, commencing September 12.
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Goldman Sachs legal counsel Gush "The Hammer" Spanier said today that his company had signed a "legal and binding contract in blood" with Satan in 1988, under which, said Spanier "The Devil promised to put his full focus on the success of Goldman Sachs in the financial services sector, in return for the eternal souls of all Goldman Sachs partners, present and future". This, said Spanier, was an exclusive deal that forbad The Devil from signing similar agreements with any rivals or potential rivals to Goldman Sachs.
Yesterday Goldman Sachs reported an 83% Q2 fall in profit to just $453m, with equity trading being particularly badly hit. Mr Spanier said that the Devil had clearly taken his "eye off the ball" when a number of Goldman clients hedged their equity positions by going long on volatility, leaving Goldman Sachs short on volatility just as it spiked.
"The Devil let us down here, and we know why", said Spanier. "We have evidence that, despite an explicit exclusivity clause in our contract, the Devil has signed another, similarly worded, deal with Apple."
In response, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that the Goldman Sachs allegation was nonsense, that Apple's success was solely due to its superior products, and that he hadn't signed over his soul to the Devil at any time, no sirree. On being asked how it was possible that a product as total shite as the IPhone 4G could possibly sell by the billion if Jobs had not had some kind of compact with the Devil, Mr Jobs just said that "sometimes the public shows different kinds of taste".
Meanwhile the Devil rejected Goldman Sachs accusation that he had been focusing too much on making the IPhone and IPad a success and had not been looking after Goldman Sachs sufficiently well.
Satanic legal representative Wormscrub Flayling said that, while The Devil's team had been doing "short-term consultancy work" for Apple, there was no breach of the exclusivity agreement because Apple was not a financial services company. He said that the volatility shift that had damaged Goldman Sachs in Q2 was not The Devil's reponsibility because volatility indices had not existed when the contract was originally signed.
"Volatility is totally outside the Devil's remit", said Flayling, rejecting Warren Buffett's recent claim that derivatives were "The Devil's Work".
"Contrary to popular myth, Satan had nothing to do with the invention of collateralized debt obligations and the slicing and dicing of these derivatives in such a way as to make sure no mid-sized European bank had the faintest ide what was going on. That was all David Viniar's work, and we were very proud of him for that. On his death we look forward to him being an important member of Hell's Financial Strategy Team".
Back at Goldman Sachs, Spanier is not convinced.
"While it is true that we came up with the ideas for some of our superior derivatives, we always felt that there was some kind of anti-divine inspiration at work. We employ a lot of very clever guys, but some of the things that they came up with were so complex and devious as to be almost supernatural".
The case will be head before Justice Aardvark Malmo, commencing September 12.
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Notice of Intent
Date: 2010-07-22 02:54 pm (UTC)We note with alarm that you have libellously and with obvious malice aforethought misrepresented the name of our client, Justitieherr Jordsvin Malmö, in an apparently humorous attempt to link him with the work of the Devil. Justitieherr Malmö is a respected lay preacher of the Lutheran Church of Latter Day Twittering, and we need not point out the distress and loss of broadband access that such a claim might very well cause.
Regretfully we cannot find a clause in the European Convention for the Protection of Human Rights and Fundamental Freedoms under which to prosecute our case. Since you live and work in London, we shall therefore be bringing this clear case of character assassination and basic Swedish mis-spelling to the attention of Mr Justice Eady.
And may God have mercy on your soul.
Yours Respectfully,
Samhael, Azael, Trautnibelunger & cie,
Château de Montségur, 666 Ariège
no subject
Date: 2010-07-23 07:02 pm (UTC)And there's nothing wrong with the Landesbanken, either. They've already got a sacrificial goat in Hypo, which is (according to the Bundesbank) "currently undergoing a far-reaching restructuring process." In other words, it's so totally fucked that even the Germans can't pretend otherwise.
At this rate, Lebensraume is about to make a big internal comeback via emergency war-footing savings bonds.
Pooh? Bah!
Date: 2010-07-23 07:10 pm (UTC)I want the last ten years of my life back. If only because I'd have borrowed to the limit, and damn the nonexistent personal consequences.