The only way to fly

"Major alert at UK airports. New restrictions in place"

As a result of the alert, several extra security measures are in place at UK airports, the Department of Transport announced:

- Passengers may take through the airport security search point, in a single (ideally transparent) plastic carrier bag, only small personal and essential items, such as keys, wallets and nappies (full list below).

Apart from this, passengers must be naked.

A Department of Transport spokesman said:

"We realize that this will be of some inconvenience to passengers, but we decided that the best way to ensure that no explosive devices were carried on board the plane was by requesting all clothing to be placed in hold baggage. Passengers will have their clothes returned to them upon passing through immigration."

A Department spokesman added: "Regrettably, significant delays at airports are inevitable. Passengers are being asked to allow themselves plenty of extra time and to ensure that other than the few permitted items listed above, all their belongings are placed in their hold baggage and checked in.

"These additional security measures will make travel more difficult for passengers, particularly at such a busy time of the year. But they are necessary and will continue to keep flights from UK airports properly secure.

"We hope that these measures, which are being kept under review by the Government, will need to be in place for a limited period only. In light of the threat to aviation and the need to respond to it, we are asking the travelling public to be patient and understanding and to cooperate fully with airport security staff and the police.

"If passengers have any questions on their travel arrangements or security in place at airports they should contact their airline or carrier."

British Airways said any of its passengers who failed to comply with the Government’s restrictions on luggage and other items would not be allowed on its planes.

A spokesman said: "Customers are advised to check in as normal but to expect delays at all UK airports.

"British Airways regrets any inconvenience caused and it understands the concerns some people might have at travelling in a plane where no-one is wearing any clothes. However, any customers not complying with this government instruction will not be accepted for travel by British Airways."

He added that passengers were advised that no electrical or battery powered items including laptops, mobile phones, iPods, and remote controls could be carried in the cabin and must be checked in as hold baggage.

On being asked whether this might not be a ploy to increase the number of voyeurs and paedophiles booking flights to the USA, the British Airways spokesman said "that had not occurred to us".

Friday Confidential

Apparently the "Are You A Sinner or A Winner?" guy with the megaphone on Oxford Circus has had his megaphone taken away and been given an ASBO (anti-social behaviour order). If true, that's rather sad.

Speaking of Oxford Circus, the underground station, possibly the station most used by tourists to London, it's warren of interconnecting pedestrian tunnels are currently decorated in what can only be described as the style of Stalinist New Brutalism. Ceiling panels are ripped away to expose air vents, and the walls have no tiles, just adverts superglued to walls of beige rough concrete. It's reminiscent of how you would imagine the underground system in 1984 would look, if that book had had an underground system, which I don't think it did.

Walking past the newsagents underneath the Pokerstars offices this morning, I espied the latest edition of some gambling magazine or other. "Brit Pack", it proclaimed. "We meet the Colclough Crew, the most feared poker gang in the UK", or somesuch similar.

Of course, you know it's not Dave's fault; he's just going with the flow. And I've always respected Dave as a player, particularly at PLO. Indeed, he's the only player of whom I have ever bought a piece for the WSOP. But "the most feared poker gang in the UK"? What's that all about?

Is it any wonder that the novices coming into the game don't see anything really wrong with collusion?

We're going to hell in a handcart, I tell you (ok, Titmus, say that's a misquote, 'cos it might be. I'm tired and it's late and I've been struggling for no reason other than pride to eliminate a $60 deficit at 25c-50c No Limit. Why I didn't just go to a $5-$10 table and double or nothing it, I have no idea. Pride, I guess.)

Whoah, back to just $26 down now, and I've promised myself that I'll go to bed when the Associates album currently playing, comes to an end.

What will I do if I can't take a book onto the plane when I go to Vegas? Christ, I dread to think. The only thing that I can hope for here is that capitalism will have an impact. Look at how many books are sold in airports. And, indeed, look at the number of people who simply will not book flights while these restrictions are as strong as they are. I know that I will not be flying again (apart from the flight already booked) unless some decent kind of system is brought in. The US will become out of bounds, and if it's Europe, I'll get the train.

Fuck, I'm knackered.