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I have a confession to make. I use talc. In fact, I use a lot of talc. So much talc that, before I clean the bathroom at the weekend, an untrained observer might think that it was really somewhere off-piste in the Alps that had just suffered a (minor) avalanche, rather than the location of my daily ablutions.
Now, it had never occurred to me that this (using a lot of talc) was something which a confession needed to be made about. But, I am informed, it is uncool. It is something that only old ladies do. I was blissfully unaware of this.
But, this is a good test of character. Surely if I were in the middle of a mid-life crisis I would Panic with a capital "P", throw out all the talc that I have accumulated (because it doesn't go off and I wanted to exploit those double-points bonanzas at Tesco's) and rush to the nearest car dealership to buy a Porsche? Instead I put on my slippers (well, rather snazzy moccasins, actually, but I don't want to spoil the comedic effect) and relaxed with the Homes part of the Sunday Times.
So, it's official. I am not having a mid-life crisis. Good.
Buying a Porsche wouldn't have done the trick. Andy Wilman (for whom the Wankel engine was invented a couple of decades too soon) has written a trite article in aforementioned ST on what cars are cool and what cars aren't. He notes that we must beware supercars and sports cars, because they are mainly driven by "middle-aged timber-yard tycoons from Surrey". He then, clearly because pennies do not drop too quickly in the testosterone-fuelled world of Top Gear, notes that a girl looks good in some cars (such as the Smart Roadster) but that a man does not. Unfortunately, he concludes, it doesn't work the other way round. "There are no cars that girls don't look cool in but men do", he wrote.
Anyone with an IQ greater than their shoe size would by now have worked out that it isn't the car which is cool at all; it's who is driving it. BMW 3s might be great cars, concedes Willman, but they are uncool because you find one in every close and crescent in Milton Keynes.
In other words, there is virtually no car that a white middle-class middle-aged male such as myself can drive that is cool; because the very act of me getting behind the wheel makes it uncool. This is so-fucking-obvious that I can only assume that Wilman wrote the article because (a) he is poor or (b) he was under some contractual blackmail obligation to Top Gear compadre Jeremy Clarkson involving photographs, sheep and Ann Summers underwear.
However, it occurs to me that I lie. Andy Wilman missed the kind of car that I (and any other middle-aged males) can be seen in that is the height of coolness. It is the car where I am sitting in the back (nothing less than a Mercedes 600, BTW) and I am being driven by my chauffeur (NOT by some corporate-supplied chauffeur from Sky TV thank-you-very-much, but my own chauffur. Anyway, Sky only does Jaguars for people of my standing. Perhaps Greg Dyke qualifies for a Mercedes. I don't know).
Yes, that's well cool. Unfortunately, the Birks poker winnings don't quite stretch to that just yet. Maybe it will have to be the Primera or the Avensis instead. If you are going to be uncool, you might as well do it anonymously.
Now, it had never occurred to me that this (using a lot of talc) was something which a confession needed to be made about. But, I am informed, it is uncool. It is something that only old ladies do. I was blissfully unaware of this.
But, this is a good test of character. Surely if I were in the middle of a mid-life crisis I would Panic with a capital "P", throw out all the talc that I have accumulated (because it doesn't go off and I wanted to exploit those double-points bonanzas at Tesco's) and rush to the nearest car dealership to buy a Porsche? Instead I put on my slippers (well, rather snazzy moccasins, actually, but I don't want to spoil the comedic effect) and relaxed with the Homes part of the Sunday Times.
So, it's official. I am not having a mid-life crisis. Good.
Buying a Porsche wouldn't have done the trick. Andy Wilman (for whom the Wankel engine was invented a couple of decades too soon) has written a trite article in aforementioned ST on what cars are cool and what cars aren't. He notes that we must beware supercars and sports cars, because they are mainly driven by "middle-aged timber-yard tycoons from Surrey". He then, clearly because pennies do not drop too quickly in the testosterone-fuelled world of Top Gear, notes that a girl looks good in some cars (such as the Smart Roadster) but that a man does not. Unfortunately, he concludes, it doesn't work the other way round. "There are no cars that girls don't look cool in but men do", he wrote.
Anyone with an IQ greater than their shoe size would by now have worked out that it isn't the car which is cool at all; it's who is driving it. BMW 3s might be great cars, concedes Willman, but they are uncool because you find one in every close and crescent in Milton Keynes.
In other words, there is virtually no car that a white middle-class middle-aged male such as myself can drive that is cool; because the very act of me getting behind the wheel makes it uncool. This is so-fucking-obvious that I can only assume that Wilman wrote the article because (a) he is poor or (b) he was under some contractual blackmail obligation to Top Gear compadre Jeremy Clarkson involving photographs, sheep and Ann Summers underwear.
However, it occurs to me that I lie. Andy Wilman missed the kind of car that I (and any other middle-aged males) can be seen in that is the height of coolness. It is the car where I am sitting in the back (nothing less than a Mercedes 600, BTW) and I am being driven by my chauffeur (NOT by some corporate-supplied chauffeur from Sky TV thank-you-very-much, but my own chauffur. Anyway, Sky only does Jaguars for people of my standing. Perhaps Greg Dyke qualifies for a Mercedes. I don't know).
Yes, that's well cool. Unfortunately, the Birks poker winnings don't quite stretch to that just yet. Maybe it will have to be the Primera or the Avensis instead. If you are going to be uncool, you might as well do it anonymously.
